AILSA CHANG, HOST:
Just weeks before the comedian Aparna Nancherla was about to begin a nationwide tour in 2018, she canceled it. The reason, she says, was crippling anxiety. And then the next year, she ended up quitting stand-up altogether.
APARNA NANCHERLA: It felt strange. It felt like - when something's such a big part of your identity for so long, when you step away from it, you kind of have to relook at yourself and say, who am I without this? Like, do I even exist? Like, sometimes as...
CHANG: Yeah.
NANCHERLA: ...A creator, it does feel like if you're not putting stuff out into the world, you are like, am I still here?
CHANG: Nancherla was still there, but she had taken a break from the stage for a few years. And now she is back with her first full-length comedy special called "Hopeful Potato." It touches on mental health and aging and, also, why she does not want to have kids.
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)
NANCHERLA: I also kind of think of kids as the original colonizers.
(LAUGHTER)
NANCHERLA: Hear me out. You know, it's like, they show up. They immediately flip the power hierarchy. They deplete you of all your resources and they make you put their art up everywhere.
(LAUGHTER)
CHANG: Nancherla came down to our studios at NPR West to talk with me about what it's been like to return to the stage.
So you joke in this special that you took a break from stand-up so that you could have some big comeback moment.
NANCHERLA: Yes.
CHANG: I have to ask, how's the comeback going? How does it feel?
NANCHERLA: (Laughter) It's been good. I mean, I think when I stepped away from stand-up, I was not doing well mentally, but I was also trying to write a book about self-doubt, and I think it was just...
CHANG: You want to sit in that.
NANCHERLA: Yes. Well, I think writing the book kind of contributed to then wrestling with some demons more actively, but while I was writing the book, I was mining a lot of, you know, personal insecurities, like my lifelong impostor syndrome. And I found that then going on stage and kind of trying to please a bunch of strangers was a bit taxing for my already frazzled nervous system, so that's kind of what led to taking the break. And then - I don't know - fatefully, about three months after the break started, the pandemic happened. So then it was kind of like, well, now everyone's on a break.
CHANG: An elongated break, yeah.
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
CHANG: Yeah.
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
CHANG: I mean, you have been a comedian for about two decades...
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
CHANG: ...And I noticed in the credits to this special, you thanked yourself for showing up.
NANCHERLA: (Laughter) I did, yeah.
CHANG: What was that about?
NANCHERLA: I thanked myself because I think, as someone who struggles with a lot of self-doubt, a lot of times I am not betting on myself. And so I'm trying to learn to inhabit more that I deserve to be here, I know what I'm doing. I, like, value what I bring to the table. And so I think it's important to give yourself credit, especially if you're, like, a perfectionist or someone who...
CHANG: A hundred percent.
NANCHERLA: ...Struggles with high expectations that you're never really going to meet because I think all perfectionists know in their head that, like, the...
CHANG: They're never going to meet the bar in their head.
NANCHERLA: Yes, yes. The bar is...
CHANG: There's always a gap.
NANCHERLA: Yes.
CHANG: Yeah.
NANCHERLA: So I think, you know, many stand-ups are like this where it's like a whole audience can be laughing and you will key in on the one person who seems like they're not having as good a time, and that will...
CHANG: Yeah, I bet.
NANCHERLA: ...Be your report card for how the show went.
CHANG: What's wrong with me?
NANCHERLA: Yes, yeah.
CHANG: Am I not funny?
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
CHANG: Am I not worthy of your...
NANCHERLA: Yes.
CHANG: ...Laughter and joy?
NANCHERLA: Yes, so...
CHANG: That really goes through your head? Something like that?
NANCHERLA: Yeah, exactly. You're just like, I can't get that one person. Like, I'm still not good enough.
CHANG: I mean, I am still just kind of amazed when I see people with anxiety or depression go into stand-up comedy. And I also know it's not rare.
NANCHERLA: Yeah.
CHANG: But I can't think of a scarier, more vulnerable form of public speaking than stand-up comedy because - right? - like, there's always the potential of bombing, which...
NANCHERLA: Yes.
CHANG: ...Seems terrifying.
NANCHERLA: Yes.
CHANG: I mean, I wouldn't do stand-up...
NANCHERLA: Right, right, right.
CHANG: ...And I take millions of people every day.
NANCHERLA: I think there's something about that it's such a controlled environment. I mean, obviously, you could have a heckler or something could go awry, but for the most part, it's like the terms are set. You show up with some kind of script. You know, the audience knows what their job is. You know what your job is. Like, overall, it's, like, much more of a set of variables than everyday life, which just feels a lot more unpredictable. And I was actually just listening to, I think, another - yeah, another NPR show, Hidden Brain, about horror movies...
CHANG: Yes, yeah.
NANCHERLA: ...And how a lot of anxious people love horror movies because...
CHANG: Yes.
NANCHERLA: ...It's like a release...
CHANG: Exactly.
NANCHERLA: ...For your anxiety, and you can kind of play it out. And I think stand-up is, in a way, like, you know, a worst-case scenario of, like, I could fall on my face, but having it in this controlled environment somehow makes it more manageable than...
CHANG: It's fascinating.
NANCHERLA: ...Just, like, life where it's like, you know, you could be crossing the street and a car could hit you and nobody gave you a heads-up.
CHANG: (Laughter) That's an uplifting scenario. Thank you, Aparna.
NANCHERLA: (Laughter) I know. You're welcome.
CHANG: (Laughter).
NANCHERLA: I just thought the listeners needed that image.
CHANG: Well, you also joke about aging, which I am also aging. 'Cause...
NANCHERLA: Oh...
CHANG: ...You're in your 40s. I'm....
NANCHERLA: ...What a confession.
CHANG: Yeah, I know. Can you imagine? I am aging as well. I'm about to turn 50.
NANCHERLA: Yes.
CHANG: You're in your early 40s, is that right?
NANCHERLA: Yes, yes.
CHANG: And you joke about, like, yeah, things are aching, the body's slowing down.
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)
NANCHERLA: Yeah, I sat down earlier this week. Sort of a big week for me. And...
(LAUGHTER)
NANCHERLA: ...I didn't even realize, as my butt hit the seat, I just went, oh, my bones.
(LAUGHTER)
NANCHERLA: I just hit my 40s.
CHANG: I was watching you talk about aging, and I was wondering, Aparna, do you see any upside to getting older?
NANCHERLA: Yes. I mean, I think, overall, I care about things less that I - that used to consume me. Even my anxiety is, like, kind of pivoting to different topics. I mean, you know, I used to be a lot more concerned about people-pleasing and, like, whether people like me. And now that seems to be falling away almost to a scary degree where I'm like, are you actively just seeking to make enemies?
CHANG: (Laughter).
NANCHERLA: Like, I don't know if it's perimenopause or what, but it's just, like, the ability...
CHANG: Everything's perimenopause.
NANCHERLA: Yeah, I know. That's what I've learned.
CHANG: Everything bad, that's perimenopause.
NANCHERLA: I think that we all have it. I think men have it. I do think, like, midlife is a chance to kind of be like, what if I actually did things completely the opposite of how I did up until this point? Yeah.
CHANG: Is there anything that comes to mind where you've given yourself permission to just take a different route?
NANCHERLA: Oh, my gosh. I mean, the drive over here (laughter).
CHANG: Yeah? How did you get here from Pasadena? Oh, my God (laughter).
NANCHERLA: No, I just mean, like, you know, I'm such a meaner driver. Like, I feel like I honked at someone for so long. And I'm like, LA drivers are, like, aggressive, but they're not big honkers, and I was, like, laying on that horn like I was in Brooklyn.
CHANG: How funny.
(LAUGHTER)
NANCHERLA: Like, who is this person?
CHANG: That is something I want to get freer at doing. I want to be a honker.
NANCHERLA: No...
CHANG: I'm not a honker.
NANCHERLA: I mean, my problem right now is, like, I have the anger coming out, but the shame is still there afterwards. I need the shame to leave and the anger to stay. Yeah.
CHANG: (Laughter) Aparna Nancherla's new full-length stand-up comedy special is called "Hopeful Potato." It's out today on the comedy streaming service Dropout. I'm so happy you came to visit me at NPR West, Aparna.
NANCHERLA: Oh, thank you for having me.
CHANG: (Laughter).
(SOUNDBITE OF COMMON SONG, "REAL PEOPLE") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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